I finally found out there is a name for the fact that I have continually rebelled against society's idea of how a woman should behave and what we should personally prefer in regards to fashion, hobbies, entertainment, work, etc. I really dislike labels but I have to admit that I'm a bit relieved to know that there is an awareness about this phenomenon to the degree that a name has been given to it; Gender Non-Conformity.
I was watching an episode of "The Doctors" and they featured a story about a three-year-old boy who prefers to wear dresses, plays with dolls, and is not interested in sports or some of the traditional activities that are attributed to males in our culture. I found myself rolling my eyes waiting to hear about how he feels that he is a girl trapped in a boys body, but to my surprise, his parents stated that when others refer to him as "she," he quickly corrects them and says that he is, in fact, a boy. He simply prefers girly things. I laughed to myself and thought, "I can't believe they are dedicating a show to something that I've lived with all of my life." It really seemed trivial to me. That's when it hit me. I AM unusual in my circle of friends. I'm straight but not girly; not from the neck down that is. One might describe me as a cougar in remission (another one of those much-loathed labels of which I spoke earlier) because I prefer much younger men; however, I've been avoiding dating lately. Most of the reason that I don't date is that I am constantly misread as being a lesbian; a "lipstick dyke" to be more precise. I wear makeup, have my hair in a 20s-style bob, am very athletically built. In fact, I'm a personal trainer who will randomly drop and do 120 push-ups just out of boredom. I'm nearly 49, but have never had anyone guess my age even close to the right decade. I have no bad habits like drinking or smoking. I am an atheist ... a true atheist that is, in that I am not angry at a god in which I actually believe, but against whom I rebel. I just actually believe that people are afraid of death, which is unavoidable, and so we tend to create ways to avoid it through denial of our creatureliness and thus, death. What better way to escape death than to create a higher power who simply transitions us from one form of existence into another? To me, we're all going to die someday. Deal with it. I'm a professional artist, musician and celebrity impersonator who is arguably the best Xena, Warrior Princess impersonator around. I've won every contest, and yes, I did make most of my own costumes. I tend to pick up on hobbies like leather crafting pretty easily. I whipped up a steam punk couch during another bout with boredom. I read a lot, but sporadically, and got my degrees late in life. I studied opera with Maestro David P. Kyle for almost five years. He was NY Metropolitan Opera's director for over 50 years, and Leonard Bernstein's lover for some of that time. I really wish he was still alive. I enjoyed his little bits of wisdom that I didn't fully understand until many years later. He always encouraged me to stay fiercely independent and to sing with my natural range and dynamics. If I grew quiet at any time, he'd yell, "What?! I can't hear you! Are you a man or a mouse?" I always found that funny because I wanted to answer, "Neither, actually."
Ok, so that's a little background. There are pages and pages I could add but I've had quite an interesting life and have done so many things, and I'm trying to avoid this blog page turning into "The Mindy Project." Since I did create it though, I thought I'd share what kind of person I am and in what I'm interested. Oh yes, I'm also a writer. But, I've only had things published in an academic setting, and under the genre of creative writing, although I did my share of scholarly writing, mostly regarding gender or cultural studies, as well. I suppose I was searching for answers as to why I can't stand wearing dresses and high heels when I work out 6-days per week to maintain washboard abs and a swimmer's back. It doesn't seem to make sense in our objectification-obsessed culture. I hate that our culture expects a woman to be sexually empowered, but not much else. If she is a fashion entrepreneur, she had better be a sexy one. If she is an athlete, she had better have photos taken of her nude with that knowing glance that says, "I'm looking at you looking at me." If she is a rock star, her videos had better depict her sexual prowess or, better yet, her vulnerability. I once about crapped my pants when I heard Katy Perry say, in an interview, "I'm not a feminist or anything but ..." I didn't even hear anything after that. Has it become a badge of shame to be proud of being a woman and the power that we exude, and to work towards a more equalitarian society? I'm not talking about the kind of power that wears fishnet stockings and stiletto heels either. Real power. I don't have an explanation for why, at such an early age, I became a "tomboy" and would tell my friends to put their dolls away and hop on their bikes and follow me. I don't know why, when I was forced to wear dresses as a little girl, I would grab the most ripped up pair of dark leggings I could find to make me look more "tough." I don't know why I begged my mom to chop off my long black tresses so that I could have a bob like the tomboy down the street who sported cowboy boots. And I love, love, love pretty men. But, I love pretty men and wear the same low-rise briefs that they do. I look at the flimsy, pink insults-for-underwear that they manufacture for women; so badly made and yet so expensive, and I wonder if I'm the only woman on the planet who notices. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against being sexy. But why is it that a woman with an athletic body, sweating and doing superb push-ups isn't considered more sexy than an under-fed, anemic wimp in high heels and a short skirt doing nothing in particular? Vulnerable is not sexy; it's pathetic. And like I said, if the woman does portray herself as empowered, rather than vulnerable, she had better be half-naked and/or grinding those hips or no one will notice or care.
I didn't regard any of these cultural realities when I was climbing into my first pair of boy's shorts. These were just the things that seemed to be absorbed like osmosis because of the way I was misunderstood. You don't have to be a lesbian to do what a man does or to prefer wearing his clothes. The only reason I can think of for this misunderstanding is a perceived threat.
- Xenot
